Relationships are the sweet, gooey parts of our lives. We love to roll ourselves up all cozy inside them. Unfortunately, the yummy goo can be sticky and sometimes it seems like someone’s slipped a little crab apple into it.
“In a controversy, the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.” – Buddha
This is incredibly profound. Why? Well, think of the last time you had a disagreement with someone. Weren’t you sure you were “right?” And wasn’t the other person sure they were “right?” Didn’t you each think you had a corner on the “truth?”
If we are willing to really look, we can know what Buddha is talking about. The truth gets colored in the heat of anger, or simply pushed to the back because our attention is focused on proving that our position is the truth.
Does that mean the “best” relationship is one where there is no controversy? If you have a Human Design reading on your relationship, you will find out how many “compromises” you have in your relationship (whether romantic, family or friend). Many people would want the relationship with the least number of compromises. David and I have 6 compromises. Most relationships have 1 or 2. These are areas where you just cannot see the other person’s view. ( www.davidkitts.com for Human Design readings; please mention The Inner Light Gazette)
At first I felt bad about this. But then I realized that since we had the perfect relationship for us anyway, it wasn’t about having less compromises. David and I are both personal growth junkies. One of our main goals in life is to get as clear as we can. What better way to learn how to get clear than to have issues come up repeatedly that are a challenge to get clear about?
After my divorce, when I first understood from my guides that a new relationship (“the” relationship) was coming to me, my friend suggested I make a list of qualities that I wanted in a man. I thought it sounded like fun, so I started a list. I kept adding to the list over the course of three weeks. By the time I felt complete, there were 90 entries on my list.
It was then that my friend told me I was supposed to write down 12 things and narrow it down to six. Too late!
As time went by, I forgot all about the list. After David and I had been seeing each other for about a year, I remembered the list and pulled it out. Lo and behold! David had 86 of the 90 qualities on my list. In time, he picked up another three, and recently, 14 years later, the last one as well.
Why should I care?
So why am I telling you this? Because I learned an amazing thing in this process. I learned that there was only one quality on the whole list that really mattered. And it was that my partner needed to have the same level of commitment to clarity that I had. All the other 89 qualities were very nice, but the only one that really mattered was the matching of commitment to clarity.
It didn’t matter what the level of clarity was for the relationship to be successful, only that the levels matched. Otherwise, the person with the higher commitment was always feeling unmet with something important missing, and the person with the lower commitment was always feeling resentful and made wrong.
As long as the levels of commitment to clarity match, you can make it through anything. After all, Cari’s Maxim: “There is one reason and one reason only, why anything (or anybody) happens in your life, and that is to bring up inside you whatever reaction you are having.”
What does that mean?
Ah, that means every issue is a gift, an opportunity for old feelings and patterns to come up and be seen so they can be resolved and stop sabotaging your life from their director’s chair in your subconscious mind.
Sometimes we want to latch on like a pit bull and not let go til we have seen the issue clearly in its entirety: “Will you stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back?” (The Invitation – Oriah Mountain Dreamer)
Other times we just can’t deal with it all right now and feel we need to eat a half a box of cookies to push the emotions down (sugar does that), or go for a brisk walk. Don’t worry, they’ll come back later, possibly masquerading as a new upset.
Guidance has a way of orchestrating our lives so that our issues come back again and again, often with increasing intensity to get our attention and to force us to finally deal with them.
Please join me in a short meditation designed to grease the gears of clarity. Happiness is an inside job and clarity makes a job well-done.
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